harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
You Might Also Like
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow