Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
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“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Pickled cat.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.