In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
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doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
the last thing a carrot sees
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Merry Christmas
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu