7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
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Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Have kids, they said
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting