Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
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“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.