Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
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This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how