Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
You Might Also Like
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…