him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
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You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
as is their right
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die