I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.