Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
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If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.