Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
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there’s probably a fee though
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.