You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
You Might Also Like
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.