words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5