Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
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I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
This kinda thing happens to me often