I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
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Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I WON A HAM TODAY
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.