i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
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Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit