20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
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When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb