My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
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Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.