People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
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“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?