Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
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Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Love thy neighbor’s dog
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch