Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
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A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]