OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
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Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
New favorite tiktok
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
How I’d get arrested…
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
*praying for world peace*
God:
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.