A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
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Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300