“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
You Might Also Like
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs