Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Me when my alarm goes off
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Oh no
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?