[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
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once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My blood type is coffee.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.