Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
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Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Social Media and Real life
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it