Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
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Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Spa day..😅
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost