In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
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The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
no refunds
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.