I’m doing the lords work (judging)
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Cha-ching is my safe word
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.