Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.