My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
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If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
how much does a mortician urn in a year
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Perfect.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”