Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
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“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My new favorite headline
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]