[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
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KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I know
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.