I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
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Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”