the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.