I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
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Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.