Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
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[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue