them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
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7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
We found love in a hopeless place.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere