Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
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When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango