Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
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It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH