Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
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Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no