If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
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Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?