I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
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What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*