No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
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[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic