*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
You Might Also Like
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
mom had nothing to worry about
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
step 6: release the wall snake
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack