*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
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Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
What flavor cupcake are these
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge