I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
You Might Also Like
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.