My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
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THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.