Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”